Sunday 19 - Dec 2021
It began when I awoke, ridiculously early, as is the norm for me and many of us in menopause. My emotions during these times are pretty black and white. I’m either ok or I’m not. There’s not much in between. This morning I was not.
I don’t need to share the details but let’s say my mind was in the depths of despair. The strange thing is throughout it I was able to step outside of myself and rationalise how I was feeling.
I have learnt to label my emotions in this way and tell myself it (the feelings) won’t last. I sit with it for a while. I don’t try to push it away or deny it. I used to. That didn’t work for me. I’ve learned, over the years, many ways in which to deal with my demons when they come to torment me and I find sharing my struggles helpful.
By sharing, I’m hoping it will help to reduce the stigma around menopause and mental health. I’d like this blog to open up conversations and discussions about the ugly truth about the extreme symptoms and how they can impact every aspect of a woman’s life; at home and in the work place.
I sat with my demons a while and had a little cry. Then I decided on a plan of action. My choice was stay here in bed with the cats cosy on my lap, or get my arse out of bed and go on our regular Sunday morning walk, (I’d opened the shutters earlier and outside the view was shrouded in thick fog. I knew where I’d rather be.) This morning, with some help and encouragement, I persuaded myself that a walk would probably be better for me than staying in bed so I got up.
I want to make something clear at this point. When you are clinically depressed it’s not a simple thing to find this motivation. At this time in my life, I’m not clinically depressed. I have been. I know how it feels when someone, including yourself, is telling you what you must do in order to feel better. I want to stress the point that there are times when it’s just not possible and trying to meet impossible expectations only makes things worse. So, when I talk about choices and making the choice to haul my arse out of bed, I understand when this is not an option.
For me, I now know I need to seek help to deal with my demons. And in this case I would seek help from nature and the land itself. To be outdoors, amongst nature, the elements, the weather brings me some relief. And that’s exactly what I did this morning.